Cindsblog

Great Dawkins Quote.....

2007-01-10T14:59:00.000-06:00

"After sleeping through a hundred million centuries we have finally opened our eyes on a sumptuous planet, sparking with color, bountiful with life. Within decades we must close our eyes again. Isn't it a noble, an enlightened way of spending our brief time in the sun, to work at understanding the universe and how we have come to wake up in it? This is how I answer when I am asked why I bother to get up in the morning."

Comfort.

2006-12-23T18:01:00.000-06:00

One of my problems with myself now is that I just don’t know where to find comfort. I think comfort is one of the main reasons people believe. It’s nice to think something is looking out for you. It’s easy to sleep at night if you go down thinking it’ll be a better day because something is caring for you. But, if you don’t believe, and you can’t make yourself believe if you just don’t, where do you find comfort? I know I have friends that care about me and my kids love me and all. I am just missing that voice inside that says “everything will be all right.” I just don’t know that it will be all right. I know that when people are talking to god and they hear that conversation or voice in their head is really everyone just talking to themselves. I think I read somewhere that when, in the evolution of man, he began to realize he had an inner dialog with himself, that’s when gods' were invented. He didn’t want to think he was talking to himself (because that would be crazy---kind of like prayer really isn't just hoping for something really bad. No, of course not. It's asking a superior being for something you want really bad. duh) so he had to invent an explanation for it. I remember when my son was tiny, he always, always talked to himself. That inner dialogue was always out loud. He’d go to sleep just talking away. I don’t know if I did the right thing or not, but I told him that conversations in his head were supposed to be inside his head. He wasn’t supposed to say his end of it out loud. Isn’t that funny? His conversations that were out loud were always one sided, his side. He was talking to that other voice. He still forgets to have those conversations in his head from time to time and it always makes me smile. What do you know, I guess I just found a little comfort in that memory. I guess maybe I need to talk to myself more maybe. Maybe I will begin to believe it if I tell myself everything will get better and work out. I don't think I am really doom and gloom at all though. I just believe in action if something isn’t working out. I can’t sit by and fake it if I don’t think something is right. I think I do what I am supposed to do, and that isn't always the easy route and it also doesn't guarantee a positive out come either. I hate always having that thought or thinking like that. It’s just how it is though. I have never been one for New Year’s resolutions. But maybe this year I will try to be more positive. Nah……..that would never work.........

I Love This Cartoon by Sidney Harris.

2006-12-09T21:08:00.000-06:00

I Don't............

2006-12-06T09:37:00.000-06:00

With the demise of my marriage, I have come to the steadfast conclusion that I will never, ever get married again. There are so many cons and very few pros from where I stand. I honestly think I always felt this way too. I think I just went along with it at the time and never stopped to think. Now that I can look back and be what I think is objective, I just can’t believe I have let my life get away from me and so out of my control.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in love. (I hate using the word "believe" here.) I know I have a heart full of passion. I have not forgotten what a butterfly in my stomach feels like. All of that is wonderful. Oh, it’s so incredible to walk down the street and smile a smile because of someone. It doesn’t get any better than that does it? However, none of those great feelings are contingent on being or getting married. If anything, I think marriage is the biggest passion killer ever known to man. It is THE birth place of complacency. Complacency happens to be my most hated thing in the world. Complacency and lima beans.

What do I think a relationship is supposed to be if it’s not supposed to lead to marriage? I just want to be with someone who truly chooses to be with me. I want to truly want to be with him too. I don’t want someone or want to be someone who stays because a piece of paper says it’s just too difficult to leave, so you better stay put. I have said it before, that some people get really lucky and do find that one. But, not most of us. Most of us don’t find the one, but end up staying with them anyway. I don’t even know that I believe the people who claim to have found “the one” really have. They may just be full of shit and faking it really good. They are probably no different than me, they are just too chicken to admit it. I admit it because I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. It’s not wrong or bad. We all certainly have the best intentions, and intentions do matter. If I could find one person and stay with them forever and have everyone be happy and fulfilled, of course I would take that route. Of course I would! Who wouldn’t?

I know that there are huge differences between men and women. That’s good, that’s why I like men and not women! That’s why I love men! I am amazed at our different thinking and I relish it. It’s fun and wonderful! When I hit on something with a guy that I agree with or that I have in common with them, I think it’s all that much more amazing. How they heck did that happen? We are supposed to be different! I think that is one of the main things I have learned with my ruined marriage. I’m not supposed to find someone just like me or change someone to be like me. I don’t want to be with someone that I feel needs to change. I don’t want anyone to think they should change for me. I don’t want to change. Am I being clear enough here? NOBODY is SUPPOSED to change for ANYONE. You aren’t supposed to have to do that. But, you are supposed to fit. I want to say what is on my mind and not worry about pissing him off. It’s fine if I do piss him off, but if he can get over it and move on, then fine. I don’t want to worry he thinks I am boring or stupid. I want to make him laugh without trying to. I just want to talk and think and not worry about what I am saying or feeling. I just want to be honest and be me.

I have spent the majority of my life thinking there were major things wrong with me. That is a terrible way to live and feel. Every day. It’s a vicious cycle. The more you think there is something wrong with you, the less self esteem you have and the worse you feel. Then you just give in to the complacency and become a non-participant in life. I don’t know how I came to the conclusion that there wasn't anything wrong with me. I just did. I vowed never to think I need self help ever again. That is what is wrong with women. We keep trying to fix ourselves instead of just accepting we are different than men, and that’s just how it is. How many men buy self help books? Duh! None! That’s because they know nothing is wrong with them. They are just raised from a different perspective of confidence and self esteem. For as long as I can remember, I hinged my being on growing up and getting married and being a wife/mom. It was never instilled in me to just be myself and follow my own thoughts and feelings. It was, find that life at whatever cost. I was in my 20’s, after breaking up with yet another boyfriend, when my mom looked at me and said, “what do you keep doing to these guys?” Talk about making someone feel like shit. I think my broken heart was making me feel bad enough, thank you very much. I hadn’t “done” anything. He treated me like shit and I said enough was enough. But it made me question me. Maybe it was me? No, no it wasn’t. It wasn’t him either. We were just not a good couple. All she had to say was, “he wasn’t the right one, that’s all. Find someone else! Go get um!”

My anti marriage stance isn’t due to fear of committing either. Not at all. I am very willing to stick my neck out there and give it a shot. I am sure I have demonstrated my foolishness many times expressing my feelings over the years. I feel like what the heck. I can say what I want to say and do what I want to do. It’s not going to change how the other person feels. I can’t make someone love me. Isn’t it better to be myself and if we get lucky they will love me and I will love them? What good is it to not be myself and have someone fall for that person? That would never work. I have given it a shot at least and I can’t really allow myself to stop and think I have been an idiot. If I do that, then I am not being myself again and then I will fall in to the “something is wrong with me” trap again. I have always said that in any relationship, it’s never 50/50. Someone always carries a bit more than the other. I don’t think that is a bad thing either. You can still be partners, even if it’s not even.

I can’t think of anything more stupid that the guy “asking” the woman to marry him. That’s just the dumbest thing I have ever heard. If you love each other, it just is and it should just be. No one should have to ask anyone anything. Maybe the only thing more stupid than asking someone to marry you is the whole ridiculous diamond ring thing. That’s just retarded. Whoever the marketing guy was that came up with diamonds equaling eternal love was a genius. An evil genius, but a genius never-the-less. Again, stupid women and stupid gotta-get-laid men.

I think people fake it in order to get married. Like buying gifts. Men think women expect gifts. Do they? I truly don’t. Don’t buy me something if you don’t feel it. If I found someone who just accepted me and was nice to me, I would forego gifts the rest of my life. On the other hand, I really dig giving gifts. This is one of those men/women differences that I see and I accept. I see something and think, oh he would dig that, I’m gonna get it. I don’t give it a second thought. It’s just the way I am wired. On the flip side, I don’t think men EVER think like that. So how can I hold it against them when that’s just not how they are? Are some men really gift buyers? I have never met one. It’s way worse to get a couple years in to a relationship and after having been given gifts for a couple years to have it stop. Or to have the gifts be so not like me that it makes me wonder who they are really buying the gift for! I can’t say that I have any gift from any guy that was just really me. I don’t have a treasure and have never thought someone really hit the nail on the head. I’m not saying that I haven’t gotten nice gifts either. Just give a shit enough to know me and that’s all. I feel better when someone remembers something I told them a long time ago rather than if they spend a ton of money on me. So yes, I am jaded now. If I did meet someone who proceeded to buy me things, I would totally think it was fake.

I think if you are with someone, you shouldn’t want to make them do things that you know they don’t like to do. I see women dragging men around craft shows or to the ballet and I know these guys hate it. I don’t think anyone should cave and do what they really hate. I can’t imagine subjecting a guy to the torture it obviously is, by having him follow me around a craft show. I’m just using that as an example. I wouldn’t go to a craft show myself, unless I was selling something for profit. Why would I want to do that to someone? I don’t know if that is trade off behavior and he’s doing it to get laid, but that’s just wrong too. I think there should always be an opt out option so that anytime you are doing something, if it turns out the other hates it, you just stop. No questions asked, done. We are leaving the craft show, walking out of the movie or whatever, right now. Eventually, if you walk out of enough things you’ll realize you just don’t like the same things and you should just hang it up. I am perfectly happy to go to a movie alone or shopping or whatever. I like being alone! (which, at this point in my life is probably a really good thing!) I’ll ask someone to go with me, but I would only want to be accompanied if it was truly something that appealed to the other person. I would never want to drag someone with me against his will. No faking it to get laid either! If you’re nice to me in general and we have that spark, you’ll get laid! So quit worrying about it!

Another deal breaker is my kids. They are why I get up in the morning. I know that romantic love is different than the love I have for them. I would like to think that they are very lovable and that if I did find someone, he would just be one more person in the family that would love them. That would be a good, positive thing. I just don’t think anyone wants the baggage. I accept that and so be it. Maybe I am wrong because I know that I have it in me to love all sorts of people/ kids. It seems like a double standard. A guy being a good dad and putting his kids first is a big special deal, and isn’t that sweet? We women tend to be attracted to “the good dad” type. That’s probably part of our genes trying to find that person who will help us get the kids out of the nest. I don’t think guys find that attractive in a woman though. A woman feeling the same way is just being a mom. She is expected to be that way and no one gives it a second thought.

I know that society wants people married. They want a mom and a dad and kids. That’s what a family is supposed to be. Is that what a family is though? Is that what really makes a better society? Is a married couple who never speaks or interacts with their kids what is really good? I wouldn’t want that for my kids. Maybe the fatherless inner city mess isn’t a mess because of the lack of father figures. Maybe it’s just a mess because it’s the inner city. It is what it is. That’s a whole other subject though…..Since so many people do divorce, maybe the mom, dad and kids thing isn’t what a family really is after all. Maybe a family is simply the people who make you feel good. We’ve all said this, “you pick your friends, but you don’t pick your relatives.” Maybe your family is supposed to be who you pick. Who you really choose. It ain’t Leave it to Beaver.

Robert Ingersoll wrote an essay about marriage and he said something that really struck me. I’ve thought about this a lot since I read it last winter. He said that by the time a couple decides to get married, in their hearts, they already are. Wow. After you reach that point, is there a different point where it would hurt less if it all fell apart? Does it hurt any less if it happens 15 years in to it? No. A broken heart is still a broken heart. So see, being married doesn’t matter. Your heart will still break and hurt no matter what. My point is, if I am going to fall and eventually get hurt anyway, or maybe not, what is the point of a piece of paper? I don’t view it as something religious and sacred. It’s not a vow before a god. In my heart, I will still give it my best shot because I don’t want to get hurt and I don’t want to hurt anyone else either. The marriage, the way everyone else views my life, is meaningless. In the end, the feelings only matter to 2 people, and they know what the deal is.

It will be interesting to see if I change my tune. I can’t imagine though. I don’t need anyone else’s money so that wouldn’t be a reason to do it. I am raising my kids pretty good. I’m not saying that more money and a partner in life wouldn’t be great. Regular sex would be great too. (I’ve intentionally not discussed sex in my little tirade because I simply believe that if you fit and have chemistry, the sex will happen and it will be great.) So, I do need someone to move furniture from time to time. Someone with mechanical/handy man talents would be a help at times too. Someone hand me the Yellow Pages please………

Great George Carlin Quote

2006-11-28T13:20:00.000-06:00

"Religion has actually convinced people that there is an invisible man - living in the sky - who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time......But He loves you!"

In Case You Haven't Figured Me Out by Now......

2006-11-26T18:57:00.000-06:00

If you have done what you are supposed to do, that is, read my blog from the bottom up, what I have to say now won’t be a surprise to you.

There really isn’t a delicate way of putting it. I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe the Bible was written by God. I don’t believe God spoke to man and had him write his words. I don’t believe that Jesus was the son of God. I do not believe in heaven. I do not believe in hell. I do not believe I have a soul that will live on forever once my body is gone. I do not believe that everything will be better “next time.” I do not believe that everyone gets what is coming to them. I don’t believe in prayer. I don’t believe there is a plan.

I do believe that bad things happen to good people. (unfortunately) I believe that good things happen to bad people. (Criminals get off all the time right?) I believe that man is more moral than the Bible. I believe man is and has determined what is right and what is wrong on his own, and that God is not necessary. In fact I will go so far to say that I think God is what is wrong with almost all of the problems of our modern world. I do believe that this limited time we have on earth is pretty fantastic. I believe we have to make it all count right now. I believe I better tell you I love you and be kind to you now because I may walk out the door and get hit by a bus in a few minutes. (I work in Chicago, things like that happen all the time!)

I pretty much got to this point thanks to science. Plain and simple. The earth is older than the bible says it is, and evolution is a fact. Yes, it is technically a theory, but it is also a fact. I started reading books by what I believe are the best minds of our day. It all snowballed and it absolutely changed me as a person. It’s a slippery slope and once you go down it, there is no going back, much to the dismay of everyone who wants to save me. Then you realize you don’t ever want to go back either. Each book I read is better than the last one and I just can’t imagine ever stopping this journey. I say that I changed, and I know to some people I have. However, to myself, I haven’t changed at all. I am what I always was, I just admit it now. --- (Even if it is only in this cowardly blog.)

I think it’s funny that I refer to the Bible as being wrong. Of course I am referring to the New Testament. I was raised Catholic. (that’s the last time I will remind you of that) That’s just it. I was raised to believe something. It all depends on where you are born. Everyone ends up believing what their parents cram in to their heads. I could be deciding that I don’t believe the Koran, or the Old Testament or who knows what else. It’s almost like people have no control over their own thoughts and destiny. They gobble down what they are fed by their parents and never question it because to do so would be breaking all the rules. You can question someone’s taste in food, music, politics, even sexual preferences. However, under no circumstances can you ever, EVER, question a person’s religious beliefs. That’s so wrong.

I wish that I had known about this stuff when I was younger. I would have gone to college and found people just as passionate about it as I am. I probably would have just found a professor doing his job and just teaching. But, maybe I would have found people who think like me. I find evolutionary psychology to be really the most fascinating topic ever. It’s all about why we act like we do, and think and react like we do, and it traces our “being” back millions of years ago with the beginning of man. I truly believe that everything thing we feel is because of evolution. I know that every trace of everything there ever was is hidden in our DNA. It blows my mind.

I have finally come to accept and embrace many thoughts and feelings that I have felt were bad or wrong for many years. I have struggled with faith as many do. I have been plagued with guilt most of my life. It's been a complete waste of my time and being. Most people stop analyzing their faith and accept what they have been taught since childhood. However, if you stop to think about it, it really is confusing and conflicting stuff. I think you are supposed to face it head on and confront all the conflicting stuff and draw your own conclusions. I don’t think you are supposed to stop once you reach a point that is a conflict or that you don’t understand. Not understanding is why you keep going! For me, I used my mind, and my heart to draw my own conclusions. Here I am, an atheist. Now that’s a minority group for you!

So what’s it like to be an atheist? It’s pretty lonely, because not many people think like this. Right now, in my life, it’s really lonely actually. There are a ton of people online and brilliant people who have written many books. I have several friends who think like I do. So, no, I am not alone. What makes it lonely is that I feel now that I could never be with anyone who was a church goer or a religious person. Perhaps a simple Deist, might be tolerable. ---nah…. In America, in 2006, I don’t know that there are really any Deists anyway. The most important aspect of my life, will exclude me from having a relationship with a man. It was one of the major contributing factors in the demise of my marriage. The odds of finding “him” are pretty slim to begin with, and then to top it off, I require him to be an atheist too. It is lonely and makes me sad. If I could make it go away, I would. I never thought that before I wrote it just now. Ignorance is bliss though. Damn, I got to this point of surety and I feel I am right and internally happy and good. But now what? Living a life right now, and valuing it and just enjoying each day, jeez! It’s astounding. I just want to share it with SOMEONE!

So, I don’t think I will ever find him. Aside from my few like friends, I am not even brave enough to tell people. I haven’t really come out of the closet at all. Once in a while I do and it’s like I know who I can trust with it. So far so good. I write this anonymous blog that no one reads. My parents, my sister, my oldest friends; they don’t know. They know I hate religion and that the hair stands up on the back of my neck at the mention of church things. They don’t know that I am an atheist though. I don’t know what they would do if they knew. I don’t know what the point would be to tell them either. I think if they quit loving me, assuming they do, that would be bad. But if they did, would it really matter? If they quit loving me over not believing in Santa Claus, wouldn’t I say F you, and leave them? Why would this be any different? It shouldn’t be any different, but it just seems like it is. It seems like this thing that is so good and important to me is bound to hurt me in the end.

I can’t remember a time in my life when I didn’t want to write. From the time I was a four-eyed little girl, sucking on pumpkin seeds, reading Judy Blume, I knew I had to write something, someday. (My apologies to Judy for it coming to this!) It’s taken me 44 years to come to a point where I thought I had something to say. One of my criteria for writing was that whatever it ended up being, it had to make a difference with someone. I am not saying this will change the world, because surely it won’t. I don’t know who will ever read this. I hope that maybe some confused kid stumbles across this and understands that they are not alone in the way they think. Even though I am lonely, it’s is still a major deal for me to know that I am not alone in my thinking. In the end, I suppose the difference I am making is with myself.

I’ve never been brave enough to let anyone read what I write. Maybe this blog will help me get past that. I welcome any and all comments. ---except ones by church people. You all can take a hike. I have nothing to say to you. When I assess my true feelings about church people, believe me that when I tell you all to take a hike, I am being really, really, polite.

Excellent Michael Shermer

2006-11-15T13:36:00.000-06:00

My Hero Richard Dawkins!

2006-11-15T13:35:00.000-06:00

Dan Dennett

2006-11-15T13:34:00.000-06:00

Julia Sweeney

2006-11-15T13:32:00.000-06:00

I Couldn't Have Said That Better Myself

2006-11-15T12:28:00.000-06:00

“The gods can either take away evil from the world and will not, or, being willing to do so cannot; or they neither can nor will, or lastly, they are able and willing."

“If they have the will to remove evil and cannot, then they are not omnipotent. If they can but will not, then they are not benevolent. If they are neither able nor willing, they are neither omnipotent nor benevolent."

“Lastly, if they are both able and willing to annihilate evil, why does it exist?”

-- Greek philosopher Epicurus (341-270 B.C.E.)

Love Stinks

2006-11-11T19:54:00.000-06:00

“The heart has it’s reasons which reason knows nothing of.” Blaise Pascal

With love, as with faith or any religious belief, people take paths that they know are not correct or true. They cling to the wish because they want it to be true really, really bad. That is what faith is isn’t it? Love is the same thing isn’t it?

Don’t we all recognize that in our life times we are capable and most of us DO love several people? There isn’t just that “one.” There truly are “several.” Each is great and wonderful at the time, but they change and sadly, eventually end. We end up going on to find the next “one.” When we are looking for that next “one” we truly believe that “it” is out there. If only we would find him or her, our search would be over. We will search and search for that “one.” I am not saying it’s not possible to find one person who can stimulate you mentally and sexually for the rest of your life. It does happen. That is what we all want to happen!

I have struggled with the concept of “soul mate” or “the one.” I know that I have already loved several people. I know that, I lived it. Though, hindsight is much clearer than the moment was. I recognize that there really isn’t just “one” for me. I do now sort of think in terms of finding the “next” one. I don’t mean that in a slutty way, and I certainly hope that my next “one” will last me the rest of my life. Ohhhhh, that would be wonderful! I do think it is possible. You have to think it’s possible, don’t you? Otherwise, I think I would just give up. I know there are people that do find “one,” but, sadly, not most of us.

Pascal said that the heart has it’s reasons which reason knows nothing of. That is a great quote, probably my all time favorite. Everyone has been in the clutches of true love or infatuation or lust and been completely overwhelmed. You may know there is a certain path you should take. Then again maybe you have no idea. I don’t think that one can make completely rational decisions with regards to the love. However, I do think the brain can and should play a greater part in the process. Then I flip and sometimes think following my heart is the way to go, because I don’t think I have ever done it, whole heartedly…..At this point it might be worth a shot. While I didn’t follow my heart, I didn’t use my brain either. We all ignore the red flags, and ignore what should be deal breakers. If it pisses you off 6 months in to a relationship, I can pretty much guarantee it will really screw things up after 10 years of it. I wish I had a system of analyzing relationships so I could weigh the passion, the annoyances, the comfort, the fun etc.. and figure out if it was really going to work. I sound so confused! Yet, I don’t think I really am. No more so than anyone else anyway.

I can’t even guess how many times I prayed to find my mate. (It totally embarasses me to even admit that now) I wasn’t making deals with God about finding him either. I wasn’t trying to trade being good for finding my mate. I just believed that if I trusted him, and simply asked, he would show me the way. I ignored the red flags, deal breakers and everything else because believing enabled me to avoid really looking at the situation and making my own decisions. Making my own decisions would mean I would have to stand by them and be accountable. Leaving it in his hands meant I wasn’t accountable and however it turned out, good or bad was because he wanted it that way. Everything has a purpose and meaning and I was supposed to just keep blindly plugging along. What bullshit. What a stupid path to take. What wrong turns have I taken, trusting that He would take care of me? Wow, that is an entire book in itself.

One of the problems I have with love is that people speak of their love for God in a way that could never be equaled by their love for a human. I actually have friends that get weepy telling me how they can’t believe how much god loves them. What? How the f** do they know that? They are absolutely delusional. They say that God’s love is unconditional and unlimited. No matter what they do, God will always love them. . How is that even possible? How does any rational person think that? In the real world, let’s face it; love is not unconditional or unlimited. There are many, many instances where you would decide to quit loving someone. They could turn out to be a serial killer or complete deviant. Maybe a thief or rapist or cheater. Any normal person would not continue to love anyone, spouse, parent, even child, if they exhibited these sort of traits. Yet, you can be any one of those things or ALL of those things and still God will love you. Gee, ain’t that sweet? I guess you don’t have to try too hard with those you really should be loving. In the end, you are only totally loved by Him anyway and will go to heaven to be with Him. I hope that when my end comes, that I will know the person holding my hand truly loves me. ( I hope I actually have someone holding my hand!) Be it my lover, spouse, child, whatever. If I can go out knowing one heart loved me, then wow, what a life. If there is one person left that I haven’t pissed off, then I will have lived a full life.

How about you are married and you truly do try, but you just change? Did God make you change? Isn’t his will predetermined? Isn’t this lousy marriage or abusive relationship what he laid out for me? Does he expect me to live with it for the rest of my life because he ultimately loves me the most anyway? Or, when you do have the courage to leave the bad situation, is it because he predetermined that too? Isn’t there an explanation for everything? Can’t it be that it all just is? Stuff happens. Bad things happen to good people. You may have all the good intentions in the world, and still end up broken hearted. It just is………

I think that I have to be good and kind and moral, or else, those that do love me, will quit loving me. I feel a responsibility to them to always earn their love and respect. That is what keeps me on my toes. I’m not saying I don’t falter and do wrong or bad. I do. Maybe I will be forgiven, maybe not. Maybe I will not even do bad things and someone will quit loving me. Does anyone deserve anything? Maybe I do deserve love from someone. Just because I perceive I deserve it, doesn’t mean I will actually get it. I may still get totally crapped on. Probably so……

A lot of what keeps relationships together is sex. If you ignore that fact you are in deep shit. You either feel it for the other person or you don’t. You see someone across the room or anywhere and you feel “something” or you don’t. You either click or you don’t. Religious folks tell us that sex is sinful and bad. Many of us commit to relationships where there is lousy/adequate sex and no passion, because we feel we aren’t supposed to make it a priority. It’s a huge priority! Sadly, one of the parties usually doesn’t even know the sex is bad, until it’s too late. We commit to comfort, routine and stability instead of passion and chemistry. Complacency is the enemy and it defeats even the best of us. We feel things for people we worry our families would not like and we don’t go for it. We feign feelings for people we know are not right for us. Everyone does what they think they are supposed to do and no one is really happy. Quit doing what you think you are supposed to do! Just be yourself! Be accountable! Damnit! It’s not a game, it’s your life!

My favorite fiction book is The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. Early on, Peter is visiting Katie and they have a conversation about how she should not be so open with her feelings for him. She asks why? He tells her because men will not like her. She says she doesn’t want men to like her. Since he already does and she knows it, what difference does it make? Perfect. Ahhh, if only it was that simple.

How About Under Muhammad?

2006-11-08T21:26:00.000-06:00

I remember my first discomfort with the Pledge of Allegiance way back at Lake Street Elementary School. There was a little, quiet, blonde girl who would leave the classroom every time we said The Pledge. Every morning, that poor little kid had to walk from her desk, and go stand in the hall. Everyone watched her make that walk and, for me, it felt like it took forever. I can’t imagine what it felt like to her. Then the teacher would give her the all clear and she would walk back in having everyone watch her. Kids talked about her all the time. That poor girl was cursed. She didn’t have a group of friends or even a single friend that I remember. At the time I didn’t know why she couldn’t say the Pledge, though I knew it had something to do with the fact she was a Jehovah’s Witness. I don’t know if I thought there was something wrong with the Pledge or with the Jehovah’s Witnesses (duh both!) I just felt bad for the little girl.

Recently, I was at my daughter’s school for parent’s night. They started the evening with the Pledge. Everyone in the classroom stood and recited the Pledge. I don’t say the under god part, and no one seemed to notice. I tried to see if anyone else left out the under god part and from what I could tell, no one did. It makes my blood boil now to have under god in the Pledge, and it amazes me that it really doesn’t seem to piss anyone else off.

After the parent night, I discussed the Pledge with my daughter. She could not remember anyone ever not standing or being excused from saying it in 8 years of schooling, in addition to a few years of day care. Weird. Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses are on the decline. One can only hope.

I have had discussions with family and friends about the Pledge. So, to all of you that I have pissed off, why, yes, yes I do have a problem with under god!

Let’s start with a little history lesson on the Pledge.

The original Pledge was written by a socialist author and Baptist minister named Francis Bellamy on September 7, 1892. The owner’s of a popular children’s magazine was selling flags to schools and wanted Bellamy to write the Pledge for their advertising campaign. It was to mark the 400th anniversary of Columbus landing in the Americas. Bellamy’s original Pledge was published as follows:

“I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands: one Nation indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.”

The Pledge was first recited by school children on October 12, 1892 in observance of Columbus Day. Bellamy’s original Pledge was tweaked and the word “to,” was added.

“I pledge allegiance to my Flag and to the Republic for which it stands: one nation indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.”

That version stood until 1923. The National Flag Congress (what the hell is that?) decided the words my flag needed to be changed to the Flag of the United States of America. They felt this would ensure that immigrants would know what flag they were talking about. Derrrr. From 1923-1954 the Pledge version was:

“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands: one nation indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.”

Congress officially recognized this version of the Pledge as the official national pledge on December 28, 1945.

In 1951, the Knights of Columbus in NYC felt the pledge needed a reference to a deity. They thought that Lincoln’s words “under God” from his Gettysburg Address would be best added to the Pledge. The Knights of Columbus of NYC adopted the ‘Under God” part and within 2 years it was adopted through out the entire organization. Their attempts to get Congress to adopt the Knight’s pledge failed.

Move ahead to 1954. It’s the height of the cold war. The House Un-American Activities Committee and Senator Joe McCarthy were on a tear trying to expose godless commies. Our anti-commie ideology identified atheism with the Russians. Sounds like a perfect time to sneak God in to the Pledge to me. Timing is everything isn’t it?

The New York Avenue Presbyterian Church is near the White House and presidents have worshipped there for years and years. Lincoln even attended services there and it’s been quite the big deal for later presidents to sit in the “Lincoln Pew.” (Side note: My son recently asked me what a pew was. He’s never been exposed to church/religion/God it was a fun conversation telling him the bench you sit on in church was called a pew. Of course, fart jokes ensued) They traditionally attend services on the Sunday closest to Lincoln’s birthday. (February 12th) Knowing that President Eisenhower would be in attendance on February 7, 1954, the Reverend Docherty capitalized on the perfect timing of the day.

Rev. Docherty was from Scotland and had heard his son recite the Pledge. It struck him that no reference to a god was present. In Docherty’s sermon, he said that the essence of the American spirit and way of life relied on two words from Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address, “under God.” He said without such a reference, the Pledge could apply to just about any other nation. He thought the Pledge should reflect the American spirit as defined by Lincoln.

(Go here for a PDF of Docherty’s bullshit speech:

http://www.nyapc.org/congregation/Sermon_Archives/?month=1954-02 )

We’ve got the Cold War. We’ve got Eisenhower, who’s a Presbyterian. He’s sitting in the Lincoln Pew celebrating Lincoln’s birthday, listening to a rousing speech about America and the Gettysburg Address. What do you think he said when the Reverend asked him what he thought after the services?

The very next day Ike was already working on the plan to change the Pledge. The timeline:

February 8, 1954 Rep. Charles Oakman (R_Mich) introduced a bill to change the Pledge.
March 10, 1954 Congress approves the Oakman-Ferguson resolution.
June 14, 1954 (Flag Day) Eisenhower signs the bill on to law.

Boy that was speedy!

The current version:

“I pledge allegiance to the Flag of the United States of America, and to the Republic for which it stands: one nation under God, indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.”

In August 1954, Eisenhower wrote, “These words (under God) will remind Americans that despite our great physical strength we must remain humble. They will help us to keep constantly in our minds and hearts the spiritual and moral principles which alone give dignity to man and upon which hour way of life is founded.” Who’s way of life? Not mine…….

OK so it started out as a marketing tool to sell flags. It wasn’t about God. Nice history lesson, but still you ask what the hell is my problem?

I hear the argument all the time, that America was founded on the belief in God. The first settlers were Puritans who emigrated from Britain from 1630 to the early 1640’s. It is said that they were escaping persecution and wanted to create a society where their religious precepts would be enforced by law. They did establish a theocracy in Massachusetts. They were ruled by clergy and established religious courts that enforced their religious dogma through the rule of law. Remember? This is where they burned witches at the stake. Whether the Puritans were really trying to escape persecution or not is debatable as well. By the 1640’s, the new British ruler, Oliver Cromwell, had seen to it to allow Puritan and other non-conformists sects to freely worship. Thousands of Puritans lived in England and were not persecuted.

Yes, the Puritans believed in God. However, the Puritans only made up a small fraction of the inhabitants of the original colonies. Many settlers chose to not settle in Massachusetts because they were being persecuted by the Puritans! The Massachusetts Puritan theocracy was driven out of power nearly a century BEFORE the ratification of the US Constitution established our government as a secular republic. When we think of our “Founding Fathers”, the guys who wrote the US Constitution, we can be very sure of their intent. They deliberately left out any reference to Jesus or God. The colonist’s memory of the Puritan theocracy was still fresh on their minds, though it was almost 100 years later.

The Establishment Clause in the First amendment of the Constitution says:
“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.”
In addition, Article VI states:
“no religious Test shall ever be required as a Qualification to any Office or
Public trust under the United States.”
To go even further, The Treaty of Tripoli which was written during George Washington’s administration and later signed by President John Adams stated:
“The Government of the United States is not in any sense founded on Christian religion.”
The Treaty of Tripoli was unanimously approved by the Senate in 1797.

There were deep religious differences between Puritan Boston and Quaker Philadelphia. The framers of the Constitution recognized that the basis for a new government had to be completely neutral. If it wasn’t who would ratify it? The Quakers weren’t going to give in to the Puritans and vice versa. While it is true that the Constitution guarantees the right to worship freely, it also guarantees the right to not worship at all.

Another argument I’ve heard, is that the term “Separation of Church and State” does not even appear in the Constitution! No, no it doesn’t. It comes from a letter written by Thomas Jefferson to a group called the Danbury Baptists. (http://www.loc.gov/loc/lcib/9806/danpre.html) He says, “I contemplate with sovereign reverence that act of the whole American people which declared that their legislature should make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, thus building a wall of separation between Church & State.” That’s the part you always see. I like this part too, “Believing with you that religion is a matter which lies solely between Man & his God, that he owes account to none other for his faith or his worship, that the legitimate powers of government reach actions only, & not opinions.” Hmmmm The Government’s powers are to reach action and not opinions. My take on that is, look everyone we need to do stuff for the good of this nation, not try to make other people believe in stupid shit! Exactly!

It has been said that JC himself came up with the concept of separation of church and state when he told his followers to, “Render therefore unto Caesar the things which are Caesar’s, and unto God the things that are God’s. (Matthew 22:21) That sounds pretty darn secular to me.

Deism was popular at this time in history and the 2 drafters of our Declaration of Independence were Deists. (Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson) Many other brilliant minds of the day were also Deists, which is to say they were definitely not Christians. (It is my opinion that if many of these men were around today they would definitely be atheists.) I would guess that most people today don’t even know what a Deist is. Wiki defines Deism as “a religious philosophy and movement that became prominent in England, France, and the United States in the 17th and 18th centuries. Deists typically reject supernatural events (prophecy, miracles) and divine revelation prominent in organized religion, along with holy books and revealed religions that assert the existence of such things. Instead, deists hold that correct religious beliefs must be founded on human reason and observed features of the natural world, and that these sources reveal the existence of one God or supreme being.” Ethan Allen, James Madison, George Washington and Thomas Paine were all famous Deists of the day. While the Declaration of Independence does refer to “Nature’s God,” “Creator,” “Supreme Judge,’ and Divine Providence,” they were clearly not thinking in terms of Christianity. They couldn’t, because they simply did not believe in God/Jesus Christ in that way.

Like I mentioned before, timing is everything. The words “under God” were snuck in during the height of McCarthyism and no one in their right mind would have voted that bill down. He’d have been a godless commie! By the same token, today, with 75% of Americans citing that they are Christian, there is no way anyone is going to take God OUT of the Pledge. That would be the fast track right out of office and our representative’s know that.

Right now, the majority of Americans are Christian. It is the largest religion in the world. (for now) Right now, it’s nice and safe and cozy to be a Christian in America. However, Islam is coming up from the rear at a fast clip. It’s the fastest growing religion in the world. What if…… in a couple years, Islam is the major religion in America? (You won’t be laughing in a few years, really you won’t be.) What if Congress decided to replace “under God” with “under Muhammad?” How would you feel? Would you be pissed? You bet you would be pissed. That’s not YOUR God! Hey don’t get mad at me, he’s not my god either! But then again neither is yours. Now you know how I feel with “your” God in there now. That’s how I feel when I see “In God we Trust” on my money and on license plates. That’s how I feel when I see Jesus fish on the back of cars. I don’t cram my non-belief down your throat, and I just wish you wouldn’t cram your belief down mine.

Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell

2006-11-01T14:03:00.000-06:00

“Then I’ll go to hell.” Mark Twain

No one wants to die, but everyone is sure they are going to heaven. Isn’t that the biggest contradiction on the planet? If you lived your life as a good person, what’s the hold up? Why don’t you want to go? Get your ass to heaven! Be careless crossing streets, tempt that bus! Run stop lights! Come on, the best is yet to come! The reason people with cancer fight and fight and fight and endure unending pain is because they don’t truly believe that they are going to a better place. Don’t tell me life is precious and God expects you to cherish it. The Muslim God tells them that paradise awaits them if they fly a plane in to a building and murder thousands of infidels. They really believe. SO if you really believe, why the wait?

One of the very first things about religion/God (to me they are one in the same) that I did not believe was heaven and hell. How did anyone actually get there? It seemed totally impossible. You have to confess. (I was raised Catholic) You have to accept Jesus. (remember I was raised Christian) You have to live by the 10 Commandments. Taking the Lord’s name in vain pretty much screws everyone doesn’t it? The constant asking for forgiveness instead of just being good really bothered me. Everyone of faith has a free ticket to heaven as long as they say they are sorry. I can’t even get my kids to say they are sorry when they are hateful nasty brats to each other. Siblings can’t apologize to each other. Spouses can’t apologize to each other. Parents can’t apologize to their children. Saying sorry is really, really hard to do for everyone! A true heartfelt “I’m sorry” is next to impossible to get out of anyone, for any reason! Yet, why is it that everyone can say sorry to God any time they want, for any offense and get a free pass in to heaven? That’s a piece of cake! A guy on death row for axe murdering an entire family can find God, say he is sorry and whoosh; there he is off to heaven. I, for one, would not want to be in a heaven with axe murders. (ok ok I know I won’t be going to heaven anyway so this is pointless) I want them gone off the face of the planet as quickly as possible so they do not harm anyone else. Then, I never want them thought of ever again. Oh, he found God and was forgiven. Bullshit! People cannot say sorry to the ones they supposedly love, but they can spit out a sorry to God at the drop of a hat! It is totally cheap and contrived to me.

Well, in heaven you can see all your old friends and family and everyone will be happy again. What about Chris? I’m not going to see him, so I guess heaven isn’t perfect is it? What about my friend who lost her husband to brain cancer early in her marriage? He was what she describes as her “soul mate.” (If there is such a thing.) She thinks he was hers. She is a young woman. I am sure she will find happy love again. Of course she will! When she dies, and husband/mate number two dies, who does she spend eternity with in heaven? Dead husband number one or dead husband number two? She loved them both with all her heart. They both loved her with all of their hearts. Is there sex in heaven? (I sure would hope so!) Honestly, if not, what would be the point? How can she have heaven sex with both of them and everyone be okay with that? No, no, no there is a major heaven flaw there.

Oh, when you go to heaven you will get to meet everyone you ever wanted to meet. Oh goody. Good grief, can you imagine? What sort of heaven would it be for these (famous)people if all they had to do all day was talk to everyone who now wanted to talk to them? That’s hell in my book. Not to mention them juggling their parents and kids and friends. That’s not heaven, that’s my life! That’s my life right now! Shit, send me to hell right now!

I read a book about a girl looking down from heaven to view her family after she was brutally murdered. It was an odd book to say the least. Parts of it I liked. I liked the thought that maybe heaven was a place where everything was just how you wanted it to be. Everyone’s heaven was different. My heaven would have dogs and cats that I could see anytime I wanted but didn’t have to take care of. My heaven would be full of lovers or maybe even just one lover who thought I was IT. Of course there would be no guilt— My loved ones that I find comfort in being with, would be there, but only when I wanted to see them. I would eat all the Italian food I wanted and never have to exercise. I would always be laughing. I would be able to see without my glasses. I would have all my teeth. I’d have no scars. My elbow and knees and hips and everything else would never hurt. I would sleep all night and never need get up to pee. It would smell like lilacs and cinnamon and vanilla. I would hear all of my favorite music all the time and then some that I didn’t even know existed. – And I would be amazed every day. There would always be a warm breeze and I would swim naked in warm waters any time I wanted to. I would have orgasms any time I wanted one. hhhhhhh What more could a person ask for?

Darn, that’s not heaven is it? I am sure it’s not yours. I know any person of faith would want to slap me for describing my heaven. (yes, yes I’m going to hell, I know! We’ve established that!) That is not what we are taught that heaven is. We are taught that we are at the hand of Jesus/God if we believe and live right, and if we say we are sorry. I guess my brain can’t fathom that just being with Jesus will thrill me beyond anything I can ever imagine to be my heaven. Being with Jesus does not thrill me as much as being on earth. Being on earth can be pretty darn sucky at times too. Honestly, the thought of being Jesus’ right hand man does not thrill anyone, that’s why people aren’t going without kicking and screaming! Derrrrrr!

Hell. Burn in Hell. He’s gonna fry. He’s toast. He made a deal with the Devil. He sold his soul to the Devil. Let’s see, who’s in Hell? Hitler? Maybe not. Maybe he said sorry and cleansed his soul before he blew his brains out. He was a Christian, (yes, yes he was) so that’s entirely possible. John Gacy? Maybe not. Maybe he had a chat with the man upstairs before he met his demise and he’s up in heaven too. Maybe your grandpa is “down there.” What?! No way! He was sweet and kind and fixed every kid in the neighborhood’s bike. He was kind to grandma and nursed her before she died. He doted on his grandchildren and worked his whole life to provide for his family. Oh yeah, but he had a mouth like a trucker, and used the Lord’s name in vain at least a dozen times a day. He never observed the Sabbath. He broke a couple commandments and he really wasn’t sorry for working hard and saying God Damnit. He’s frying. He’s toast. He went down to H-E- double hockey sticks.

The way I see it, we all do any number of things on any given day that, if we follow the rules put forth by The Almighty, will ensure our prompt arrival in to Hell once we go. I didn’t eat my lima beans and lied about it. I wrote the algebra formulas between the keys of my calculator and cheated. I didn’t/don’t feel bad about it either. I think bad things about lots of people I know and don’t know. I swear like a trucker. I envy things other people have and I don’t even try to get over it. I make fun of people. I make love in my head with any number of handsome acquaintances, often. I don’t go to church. I don’t believe. It’s a safe bet that I am a goner.

Then there is that “not evil” side of me too. I am sorry when I hurt people and I try to not do it again. I remember things that please others and make it a point to do them in the future, just to try to make them happy. I try to go out of my way to be kind and helpful to friends, family or just anyone who appears to need a hand. I am responsible and take care of my family. I do not burden anyone. I am generous. I am loyal. I give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I’m a good mom. I love with all my heart and am honest with all. That’s not gonna get me in to heaven is it?

What a crappy system. You could even say it's God Awful......

Death

2006-11-01T10:17:00.000-06:00

Grandma memory #1 was when my great grandmother died. I was in kindergarten. I was really small and little, like 30 pounds. My dad was holding me so I could see her in the casket. My grandma came up and said, “see, look at bousha, she’s sleeping.” I was only six and this was my first death. I sure as heck knew she wasn’t sleeping. I remember looking at her like I thought she was crazy. People were crying! People were upset! People didn’t do that when she slept! We didn’t get all dressed up and go to a “funeral home” to watch her sleep! Right then and there I knew there was something people couldn’t handle about death.

I’d seen pet fish die. I’d seen pet turtles die. While I didn’t like my pets dying, it happened. It seemed normal to me. What difference was it between my animals dying and people? They got old, they got sickly and they died. To a six year old, it didn’t seem like there was a difference at all. I bet you could ask any six year old if there was a difference between a dog dying and a person dying and they would say no. We bury our dead pets, we bury our dead people. Now days we cremate our dead pets, just like we cremate our dead people. A little off topic, I had several goldfish when I was of the age where I still took an afternoon nap. I would stick my hand in the bowl and “fish” them out one at a time and hold them in my hand. They’d flip and wiggle and were slippery. When they quit wiggling, I would toss them back in the fish bowl. Those poor fish didn’t last long, maybe a couple weeks at best. My mom was stumped when they died. I remember telling her that I had played with them. I didn’t think I had anything to do with their untimely deaths. She had a fit. It really didn’t bother me that they died. Thinking back, I would have thought my guilt ridden upbringing would have kicked in. I don’t know why it didn’t because guilt should definitely apply to fish murder.—well maybe only manslaughter.

Religion tells us there is a huge difference between a dog and a person dying. Religion tells me I have a soul and that is what makes me different than the dog. Bullshit. I really don’t think any of us have souls. I know I have looked in to my dog’s eyes and seen something. I don’t know what it is, but it looks the same as what I have seen in the eyes of a lover, or my babies, or my cat. If you break down my body and my dog’s body you will get us both down to the cellular level. To be simple we will call it “stuff”. My stuff and my dog’s stuff are identical. My stuff is just put together in a way that makes me a person. If put together in a different way, the stuff I am made of could have made me a slug or a monkey. It’s still just stuff. SO – either we all have souls or we don’t since we are made up of the same stuff. Religion tells me that only I have a soul. Not my dog, not a slug, not a monkey. By the way, that something I have seen in all those eyes is definitely a connection of some sort. It’s love, it’s an acknowledgement (you’re gonna feed me, change my diaper, have sex with me), it’s trust. I know it is emotion and feelings and it is vital and wonderful and important to life. It’s just not a soul.

While I certainly don’t want to die, I know that it is inevitable. I think that the main reason people believe in God is because they are afraid to die. They don’t act in the moment as they should and they know it. They know they screwed up and didn’t show/tell the people they mattered and that they loved them. They weren’t good and nice like they should have been. They know this every single day, yet they STILL choose to do nothing constructive or positive about it. They continue to believe in the myth because that is the easy route to take. They kept waiting for the right moment, never realizing there really is none. The right moment is always. They get to the end and realize they blew it and are in a panic. They really don’t think they are going to paradise or heaven. They finally figure out it’s just too late. Oh crap………

I know people who contend that if this is all there is, then this is a miserable existence. I don’t see it that way though. I think of the universe and the friends (and I don’t have a million friends either!) I have and the whole thing just blows my mind. To experience this with my fellow man is pretty incredible. I drive to work every day and see the sun shining on Chicago. I see the city people walking their dogs. I take care of my responsibilities and go home to my family and it all f’ing astounds me. How is that a miserable existence? It’s fricking astounding!

Since the death of my great grandmother, and Chris, I have experienced many other deaths. My grandparents. More pets. Co-workers. Friends’ parents. My father-in-law. With the exception of my father-in-law, (and pets) I’m pretty sure most were afraid and didn’t want to go. Some were suffering a great deal and were in unending pain, and still didn’t want to go. If they believed that they were going to a better place, if they were so sure, why didn’t they willingly go? They fought the pain and endured more than anyone ever should. Why not just go? I suppose my death will cause pain to those who know me. No, maybe not to those who know me, maybe just a few who truly care about me. Yeah- big difference. To think of that now, makes me sad, because I don’t want anyone sad on my account. However, if I think of just me, I’ll be dead! How will it hurt me? It truly does not scare me in the slightest.

I like Epicurus (341-270 B.C.), who was the founder of Epicureanism. Today, “epicurean” means enjoying sensual pleasures and possessing sensitive and discriminating tastes. However, Epicurus himself, and Hellenistic Epicureanism in general, advocated the pursuit of simple pleasures such as friendship and aesthetic contemplation.

One of the things that Epicurus asserted is that “death is not to be feared.” The reason he said that death should not be feared is because the moment we die, we cease to exist and therefore experience nothing. That includes all physical and mental pain. Your brain stops when you die. Your brain waves stop when you die. Your stream of consciousness ends. Epicurus contended that it is unreasonable of us to fear a future event that will cause us no harm when it occurs. Of course, if you knew you were going to be tortured to death or die of a slow death from a degenerative disease, it would be reasonable to fear the anticipated pain prior to death, but not the death itself.

Epicurus didn’t think it unreasonable to fear losing a loved one, or to fear the suffering the loved one may experience prior to their death. Of course we don’t want those we love to suffer. We think of the loss of them from our lives and that is painful. However, if you have a loved one who approaches death with no fear, would that not also calm your own fears? Would not some of your own pain and grief be lifted knowing your loved one was at peace? When my father-in-law died, he was very ready to go. He did not want to be in a nursing home and once he got there, he quickly and decisively set his course to get out. In less than 2 months of his arrival at the home, he was gone. Watching his refusal to eat and the withering of his physical self was incredibly painful. However, when he did finally die, it was a relief and I was happy his pain was over. While the home he was in was very nice and the people caring for him equally as nice. I would not have wanted to be there either. I think he was quite brave doing what he did. I will always think of him with all the love, fondness and admiration my heart has to give. I never want to burden my children, and I do figure I will end up in a home someday. I may think it’s ok and decide to live it out there. I may go kicking and screaming. Or, I may get brave and try to take the path my father-in-law took. Damn, it really sucked, but what a guy.

We often reflect upon a person’s life as if it was a book. Life is a story to be told with distinct chapters. Beginnings, middles and ends. We make albums and give periods of time, names. Then, when someone leaves before the final chapter, we feel cheated. Oh, he had so much left to live for! To this, Epicurius basically said that it was not the duration that was the criteria for a life well lived. Instead, it was the tranquility and happiness achieved that was the measurement. Once one is at peace and tranquil, more days, more achievement, more happiness is not going to make it any better. If the glass of water is full, you can’t make it any fuller. This is a pretty hard thing to accept when someone we know dies. It’s really hard to accept when we look at the lives we are presently living. The story hasn’t finished being told yet! However, if you are happily living in the present, there is no need to worry about the future. Your eternity is now and that is all that matters.

Unfortunately, we are not raised to think like this. We are raised to mourn our dead. We are raised to grieve over the loss of their lives. We refer to widows and widowers. I don’t want anyone to mourn over me or grieve that I had so much left to live for. If I could get them to throw my body out in the woods whenI go that would be fine with me. I wish I had a good place to have someone spread my ashes, but I haven't come up with anything yet. For now, I’m trying to give it my best shot right. That's the driver, just giving it the shot. I am trying to write my life and finish my chapters the way I want and the way that fulfills me and makes me happy. (Of course without hurting anyone on the way) Maybe I will get to what others will perceive as “my end”, but it just may not work out that way. Probably not.

In The Beginning

2006-10-31T20:43:00.000-06:00

Religion was not something that was discussed in my house as a child. We were Catholic. My father had been an alter boy until he was 18. There is a picture of him in church standing on the altar, holding a candle with a sly little smile on his face. I always thought he was up to something in that picture. I think he was thinking, “Take the picture because I think all this is BS!” I would ask him, but again, we don’t talk religion in my house. My mother went to “vacation” (woohoo) bible school and maybe some sort of Pentecostal or Evangelical Christian church as a child. She converted to Catholicism to marry my dad.

We went to church every week. My dad’s parents went to church constantly. On the rare occasions my parents would go away and my sister and I had to stay with them, we would go to church several times over the course of the visit. My mom’s folks didn’t go to church and we really preferred staying with them. Instead of going to church, we spent our time with them doing things like spray painting sea shells silver or gold. COOL! There was a stark difference between the two sets of grandparents that I was aware of always. I don’t know whether my mom’s parents believed or not. Both sets of my grandparents were good people. Complete opposites, but good. Belief did not make one any better than the other. – At least in the eyes of man it didn’t. When they died, all had many, many people at their funerals professing to their goodness and how many lives they had positively effected.

It was the ritual/routine in my house to always visit my dad’s parents every Sunday afternoon. We would go to church in the morning and then head a few miles out of town to all sit in the living room and chat for a few hours. I believe my grandmother fed us, but it was not a sit down dinner. There was a small area near an unused front door that was probably 6 feet square where my sister and I played. There weren’t any toys really. I remember a few old perfume bottles that we would sniff and that was about it. For the most part, we sat in the corner, sniffed faint, old perfume and waited to go home. Once in a while my sister would take me outside and tie and/or handcuff me to a clothes line pole and leave me there, but that’s a whole other story.

As we got older, I remember trying to listen to the discussions the adults were having. My grandfather was a smart guy and read a lot. There were always newspapers and he often referred to what he had read or what was going on in the news. He always had the Chicago Tribune. In NW Indiana, to have something other than the Gary Post was a big deal. We never had the Chicago Tribune at our house. I truly never saw the Chicago Trib again until I started working in Chicago. My grandmother crocheted and cooked and that was it. I don’t recall her ever speaking much about anything except maybe who was at mass or similar church things. There was always discussion about the color of the altar that week and the flowers at church. 2 of my earliest memories of doubt involve my Grandma, so I will get back to her later.

My sister was 3 years ahead of me in school and she went to the Catholic school in our town. By the time I hit 1st grade, she was yanked out of the parochial school and placed in public school. I recall there being problems with teachers, both nuns and I think a lay teacher too. My sister is a highly intelligent woman, my parents raised us right, and so she was not a bad kid. I really don’t know the reasons why she was removed from the parochial school. Probably part of it was that my parents couldn’t afford both of us in private school. We still went to church. We tithed. I recall hearing that the parish didn’t think we tithed enough and it angered my dad. We were middle class, and money was tight. My father was a carpenter and would go weeks without work in the winter time. Even as a child I understood the tight budget we were on and it seemed ludicrous to me that the church expected more from us. My sister and I even had collection envelopes of our own. My parents would give, and we, as little kids, were expected to give too. That makes perfect sense, because little kids always have revenue streams from which to donate from! Makes me crazy to think about it now.

My sister and I both had our first confessions. First confession happens like in 1st grade or so. They teach you that you have to confess your sins and the priest will get the message to God and then God will tell him how many prayers you have to say to be forgiven. The priest then tells you to go say 10 Hail Marys and all is forgiven. Right off the bat I did not believe this. They told me I needed to pray and talk to God all the time, which I did. They told me if I asked for forgiveness when I had done something bad, I would be forgiven. This was supposed to be between me and God. Now all of a sudden a 3rd party had to step in and facilitate this? Come on! Not to mention, what kind of “sins” does a first grader commit? I remember they gave us examples of what we could say. “I cheated playing a game.” “I thought bad thoughts about my sister.” “I back talked my mom.” “I didn’t eat my lima beans and told my mom I did.” Every kid had the same thought process. I know this because we compared notes. Everyone told each other their sins and what penance they got. This is what we thought. I have to say something, otherwise they (the teacher, priest, parents) will know I don’t believe this and I don’t want that. Forget whether God knows we are making it all up. Even though he is all knowing and knows we think this is BS. As long as we snow the priest, teacher and parents, all is right with the world. I also remember thinking I did not much care for a God that was going to send me to fry in Hell for eternity for lying to my mom about not eating my lima beans, if I didn’t confess it to the priest. What a jerk!

My sister and I both had our first communion. Communion is huge. Parties are thrown, gifts are given. Communion itself has changed over the years. I understand now you can take it in your hand. I also know a guy whose mom travels around the neighborhood and administers communion to shut ins. Why the shut ins don’t just pray to be able to go to church so they can receive communion personally from a priest I don’t know. (We’ll get to prayer later) This is what is in John chapter 6:53-55 –“I say to you, unless you eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you; he who eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is food indeed, and my blood is drink indeed.” The dictionary describes cannibalism in the following way: The usually ritualistic eating of human flesh by a human being. I was a little kid, and I didn’t know what cannibalism was but something was really wrong here if you ask me. To a thinking adult, of course communion smacks of cannibalism. Totally! Of course, that particular John verse doesn’t get used much. John 3:16 is sooooo much nicer. “For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” I did the whole ritual in my little white lace dress, little white knee socks and shoes, little white veil and little white lace gloves on my little praying hands.

I have confessed I did not eat my lima beans, I have committed cannibalism, and I am darn near ready to go to heaven --- except, I need to be confirmed. My sister was confirmed. The only thing I know about confirmation is that you get to pick a new name. However, my mom didn’t believe in this, so my sister didn’t get a new name. That really made my sister mad. By the time it was my turn to get confirmed, we had left the church. I remember being slightly worried I wasn’t going to make it in to heaven since I hadn’t been confirmed and confirmation seemed to be a requirement. It wasn’t my fault, my parents didn’t let me! Now I was going to fry in Hell for all eternity? BS, again.

We had a pop up camper and went camping often. We would even go to churches in towns where we were camping or go to a service at the camp ground. Do campgrounds still provide worship services? It seems so weird to me. Usually people were crazy and partying till all hours. Maybe that morning worship cleansed them after all. My folks appeared to be believers. It seems that you must be pretty hard core in your faith if you can’t even take a week off when you are on a family trip. Then it happened. We were at a church someplace in a presidential election year. The priest stood on the altar and told the congregation who they should be voting for. My folks were Democrats and this priest told everyone to go Republican. My dad was hot. I even knew it was wrong. I did not have the slightest concept of Democrat or Republican, but I got the concept of separation of church and state. The two did not seem even remotely related to me and I was in like 2nd grade! I don’t believe we ever went back to church after that day. I’ve gotta love my dad for recognizing the importance of the separation of church and state. One of these days I will be brave enough to talk to him about it and tell him that I appreciate what he did. Even if my mom had still wanted to go to church, and maybe she did, we wouldn’t have. Back then, the man wore the pants and that was that.

When we quit going to church, for me as a kid, it was like WOO HOO! To not have to get up on a Sunday and go to sit through mass was great. I was in grade school and never got anything out of the sermons. Whatever the message was, wasn’t clear to me. The Bible was confusing and written incredibly poorly. I remember getting a Bible, in public school, (they don’t still allow that do they?) and thinking, “I am going to read this.” Everyone should read the Bible right? I got no where. I tried many, many times over the years and got nowhere.

When we decided to not continue going to mass, it was discussed in our house that we could not let grandma and grandpa know this. They were staunch church goers and it would have upset them greatly. (this is grandma memory #2, memory #1 comes later, even though it happened earlier) I remember my mother totally lying to my grandmother every week about what color the altar was or how pretty the flowers were. We had never discussed the meaningfulness of the sermons, so she really didn’t have to make up much. It was all just the superficiality of how pretty the house of the Lord looked. My sister and I would snicker to see how long my mom could continue the charade with out falling down on the lie. I think my dad would have let his feelings fly, but my mom wouldn’t allow it. Maybe he didn’t wear the pants after all? At that point in his parents lives, I suppose it only mattered to them what my family was doing. I compare it to telling your aged mother you are gay just because you want to get it off your chest. Unfortunately, it just moves the burden from you to her and doesn’t accomplish anything. They would have been upset by our turning away from the church, so it was left alone. In my opinion, it was the right thing to do. However, even as a kid, I knew lying about God and church was wrong. Lying about my lima beans was wrong! Forget what Grandma and Grandpa thought, surely He was pretty PO’d? I knew lying was wrong and it had nothing to do with church, the Bible, or God, imagine that!

There were no social repercussions for us not going to church. While we did have Catholic friends who obviously knew we weren’t going to church anymore. None of my friends could have cared less. They thought I was lucky to not have to go. I knew who the Catholic kids were, but beyond that, I had no idea what religion any of my classmates were. I have 1 friend that I have known since 1st grade and he is the only old classmate I still keep in touch with. It just dawned on me recently that I have no idea if he went to church then or if he goes now. Taboo to ask…...

As a teen, when kids started to party, I thought it was pretty funny that the hardest partiers were the kids who always went to church. I was a bit naïve and a bit of a nerd in school. I didn’t have a beer until the 2nd semester of my senior year. I was 18! I was way behind most of my crowd. My 1st boyfriend came from a huge Catholic family. I will never forget being in the basement of his house playing with a huge train set. (yes we really were.) In a highly secretive manner, he took me over to an old stove/oven that was in the corner of the basement. He opened the oven and told me to look inside. It was full of carefully stacked empty Jack Daniels bottles. HIS empties. That was wrong wasn’t it? We were juniors in high school and he had drunk more hard liquor at that point than I have drunk to this day. He went to church all the time, wasn’t this wrong? If he confessed and said sorry, he could keep doing it and God would be ok with that? Doesn’t God ever say, “look I’ve told you 100 times drinking hard liquor at 16 is not good, you need to stop. If you keep it up, I’m not going to forgive you anymore.” I guess not. To me, this was another flaw in the system. You can break the rules when it is convenient, AND, you can KEEP breaking them indefinitely. They are malleable to fit infinite situations. Justify away! I decided drinking hard liquor at 16 (and now) was not good. I could hurt myself or others. I could become addicted to it. My decision had nothing to do with God. It had to do with the fact that I am smart enough to recognize stupid, destructive behavior when I see it. Who was right? Who’s going to heaven? Who’s going to Hell?

During my junior year, in addition to experiencing my first boyfriend, first kiss and first heart break, I also experienced the death of the first person I knew and cared about. I had always had a crush on Chris ever since I met him in Jr. High. He wasn’t great looking, but he was so funny. He was sarcastic and witty. He went to the same dentist I did and on Friday’s, which was the day all the kids with braces went, we would sit on the steps in the hallway together. We were lab partners. I asked him to a dance once and he made a joke about it. I asked him before school one morning while he was at his locker. I walked off and wanted to die. How would I face him in our 1st hour class? Our 1st hour class was biology. He passed me a note and said it wasn’t me but he just wasn’t a dance guy. I wrote him back and said maybe we could do something else sometime. The note passing was during a movie. Instead of writing me back. He said really loud, “OK.” Everyone looked at him and wondered what was going on. That was his humor. Even though I got turned down by the first guy I was ever brave enough to ask out, I still laughed. We never did go out, but there was always something there.

I was walking to school one morning with my neighbor when we ran in to a classmate who was all excited. She asked if we had heard about the kid who had killed himself the night before. When she said it was Chris, I wanted to crumble. It couldn’t be. I had a personal thing with him and no one would understand. I had a personal thing that no one even knew about. Why why why why why….. I had just been dumped by my boyfriend, the whiskey drinker, and things just had gone from bad to worse. The girl that told us was very gossipy about it and was happily excited about breaking the news. She didn’t know he was my friend. I never liked her ever since that moment. Several years after high school, she approached me at the town hang out during a holiday break. I had a fake ID and she wanted to borrow it. Because I didn’t like her from that day she broke the news, I said no. It wasn’t much of a pay back, but it felt good never-the-less.

Chris was smart, played quarterback in football and pitched on the baseball team. He lived in a normal neighborhood. What was going on that made him do this? I prayed. I really, really prayed. I asked God. My heart was broken at the loss of my friend and that the potential of this person was now gone. I went to the wake and funeral with many classmates. I shook his dad’s hand at the wake and all choked up I said I was a friend of Chris’. His hand was smooth and puffy, kind of like your face gets from crying a lot. –Except it was his hand and it was really odd. I will never forget the way his hand felt. I wanted to make him feel better because this was his son, but I couldn’t. He wanted to make me feel better because I loved his son, but he couldn’t. It was one of the most awful experiences of my life. I don’t know why Chris did it. I don’t know the pain he was suffering.

I did know, that he is not in Hell. Yet, my religion said that he was. There was no way. He was a boy, a confused teenage boy. Maybe it was the only way he could get the pain he was experiencing to go away. Maybe it was a stupid act that he did in a moment of confusion, and he couldn’t take it back. I don’t know. I did know that he was not a bad person. He was a good person and he loved people. He made a TON of people laugh. I don’t believe it was a spiteful act to hurt people. I have had people say that suicide is a spiteful, selfish act. I don’t believe that and it makes me very angry when I hear it. The person who commits the act is just not right in the head and that’s all there is to it. (If someone is completely sane, but dying a miserable death due to a horrible medical condition I am all for them killing themselves. More power to Jack Kevorkian.)

This was the moment, his death, that made me question what I had been taught the most. I so wanted to meet him in heaven someday and talk to him again. How could I though? He was in hell. My religion told me so. My religion also told me, if I was good, I would go to the wonderful better place of heaven someday. However, the most disturbing instance of my life would still not be resolved. He would not be there, and I would still not know why. I would still feel bad that someone who was a good person was burning in hell wouldn’t I? It was not right.

I distinctly remember the service at his funeral. The minister made a statement that I carried close for many years. He said that we could not ask why, we could only have hope. That was a very convenient way to push it all to the back and not address the contradictions my religion was feeding me. I used it for years to avoid what I really felt. I always ended up asking myself, hope for what? Hope I’d go to heaven? Hope that he wasn’t in hell? But they already said he was. Hope that I would see him again and understand his pain? But I wasn’t going to see him someday. Hope for what? What a stupid thing to say to grieving people. Hope for fricking what?

I remember crying so much. I remember my parents not understanding and not being able to ask me what was going on with me. I don't know that they even know what effect this had on me and how it still effects me. I think probably not. I remember being so angry at them for not helping me. I was just a kid and I didn't understand any of it. All of the places I was supposed to get comfort from offered me nothing. The truth is that there just isn't any way to find comfort when you lose a friend like this.

Several years ago I had a very real, very disturbing dream. I dreamed I was someplace, it wasn’t heaven, but it also wasn’t earth. It was actually like a dreamy sort of bar. I met Chris and we looked at each other like old friends. He looked a bit older and tired. His teeth were yellow and I remember thinking that I didn’t remember he ever smoked. We just were together. It was comforting and we didn’t speak. Finally, I was over come with the emotion of seeing my old friend and I said, “…..but I loved you…..” That was it. That’s all I said. It wasn’t the love of a lover. It was just the love of a friend. I truly cared about him. He looked at me and sadly said, “ …..I know you did.” That’s it. I had spent 20 years asking myself, “why didn’t he ask me for help?” “Why didn’t I know he needed help?” In the end, this dream made me see that he knew people loved him, but that wasn’t the problem. Of course he knew people loved him! While I really wanted to believe I would see him again and we would talk like old friends, I knew we wouldn’t. It wasn’t because I was going to heaven and he was in hell. It was because bad things happen to good people. He made a stupid mistake that he couldn’t take back. I didn’t communicate with him from beyond. (many would say I did) My brain just finally accepted it wasn’t my fault and I couldn’t have prevented the tragedy. Poor Chris. Poor, poor Chris.

As I think back, the suicide of my friend was probably the one thing that truly set the wheels in motion for me. It put me on this path, from which I know I will never stray. I don’t know it all, or understand it all. I do know I'm on the right track though.

From here, I will try to explain why I think like I do on topics that seem important to me and maybe someone else too.